A striking revelation hit me a while ago: I’m a drug dealer… and also an ex-con… and apparently, a rapper as well. Why? Because I like Grand Theft Auto, and only those people have any sort of respect for the series. I couldn’t possibly be a doctor or an attorney, since GTA IV is my favorite video game, and you can’t be a fan of GTA if you want to pursue these careers. How do I know this? It’s on page 5 of the doctor’s/lawyer’s collaborative handbook, duh! But with these revelations comes one problem…
Where the hell is all the drug money?! I mean, why am I living in a 2 bedroom apartment, and can only buy one $60 game a month if I’m a goddamned drug dealer? Apparently, I must not be a very good one. Where are all the drugs at, anyway? I’ve searched my house, high and low, but they are nowhere in sight. I must keep them at warehouse, or something. But how could I afford a warehouse? All the money I’m making from selling drugs, of course! Or, maybe I’m just using a friend’s. But none of my friends seem the type to own a discreet warehouse specifically designed for storing drugs. Maybe it wasn’t specifically designed (it wasn’t in the leasing agreement, anyway), but we made alterations. How? With all the drug money!
I do believe that I would remember going to prison, being 15 and all. I’m pretty sure you remember going to prison at any age, but I may have been selling drugs during that part of the prison oritentation. What the hell did I do to be sent to prison? Maybe I killed someone, but I probably would have remembered doing something like that, or something similarly fun. But no, I think I know why I went to prison: I sold drugs!
My rapping career must not be going very well, since I’m not shopping at thrift shops very often. I haven’t been asked to sing in a song with Justin Bieber yet, or perform on Sesame Street. Goddamn it! Oh wait, wait, wait… I was in Call Me Maybe. Yeah, I was the guy who was watching Hillary Scott’s fine cinema on my computer, in the top window of the house across the street when Carly finds out her crush is gay. That part wasn’t cropped out, was it? How do I not remember being such a industrious connoisseur of the ghetto arts? Well, drugs, of course!
Well, it may not be a fantastic lifestyle, but if the ultimatum is giving up Grand Theft Auto, then I’ll gladly accept the former. Thank you Rockstar, for all the wonderful memories and good times with my brothers, as well as the chance to be a drug-dealing rapping ex-con, who moonlights as an astronaut; you may know me, as I was with Neil Armstrong when he boosted his smug ego to the ultimate extreme. For now, Buzz Aldrin, signing off.
My tastes in games breach all genres, though my fortes are platformers and first-person shooters. My favorite game series is probably Super Mario, specifically the 3D games. I also love Rayman, Hitman, Bioshock, Half-Life/Portal, Uncharted, and Grand Theft Auto. As for my favorite game, it's hard to say: I love Portal 2, Shadow of the Colossus, Half-Life 2, Bioshock, Resident Evil 4, Super Mario Galaxy 2, Rayman Legends, Hitman 2: Silent Assassin, Grand Theft Auto IV, L.A. Noire, Fallout 3, Journey, and Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence all so damn much.
Latest posts by James Flaherty (see all)
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- James’ Opinionation: Top 25 Greatest Sitcoms Ever Written - August 7, 2014